Disney Dreadful: The Bus Beast

Bob boards the bus to continue his noble struggle

- by Bob McLain, January 27, 2011

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Last time on Disney Dreadful, I recounted my tangle with the Turned-Around Tot and his gray-headed accomplice, the Gabby Grammy.

We meet now our next fearsome foe: The Bus Beast.

The Bus Beast comes in many guises, none of them pleasing.

When I'm at Disney World, I use buses to get around. I like Disney buses. I even like the smell of the exhaust. Throw in a colorful bus driver and it's first class all the way, baby.

You must, however, be vigilant because the bus is the natural habitat for a middling dangerous member of the Disney Dreadful pantheon: the Bus Beast.

The Door Rusher

The most common form taken by the Bus Beast is the Door Rusher. This fierce foe rushes to board the bus before it has even stopped and stakes its territory directly in front of the still-closed door. Particularly nasty specimens will even attempt to step into the bus as soon as the door has opened despite the presence of many people attempting to step off. Fortunately, bus drivers are skilled in taming most Door Rushers with a simple 'step back, please, sir' (which in the bus driver's mind sounds like 'another freakin' idiot gettin' up close to my bus'), but if the driver isn't up to the task, the Rusher is always cowed by the sheer mass of tired, sweaty humanity about to walk into him.

The Seat Sneek

Another breed of Bus Beast is the Seat Sneak. These stealthy adversaries board the bus normally, walk a bit past you, and then in an inconspicuous rustle occupy the seat next to you - even though the bus has many other empty seats available. The Seat Sneak, once seated, is often silent. He hasn't crowded your area to converse. We're not sure why he's there. If you're faced with a Seat Sneak, your best course is not to look at it but rather keep your eyes straight ahead and pull your limbs in close.

The Seat Snatch

A vigorous relative of the Seat Sneak is the Seat Snatch. Unlike Seat Sneaks, Seat Snatches are not stealthy. They're laden with souvenirs, backpacks, even the dread fold-up stroller that never properly folds up. The Seat Snatch may apologize for his condition; he may seek conversation. He will, in all likelihood, have the tang of sweat about him, and he will certainly not be calm and collected. Seat Snatches get their name because of the unapologetic, often rough 'n tumble way they occupy the seat next to you. They are not delicate creatures.

The Driver Dad

A more nefarious off-shoot of the traditional Bus Beast is the Driver Dad. These harmless but annoying little monkeys choose a seat close to the bus driver and attempt to strike up a conversation. During the conversation, the Driver Dad will attempt to become the real driver's BFF by asking questions about Disney, about driving buses, about where the driver came from, about the driver's military service, and lots more, often in an attempt to impress the Driver Dad's young male children who typically roll their eyes at this behavior and look at their mother whose catatonic stare indicates that it's not an isolated occurrence. If you're near a Driver Dad, ignore him - and pray that the bus driver is also ignoring him enough to keep his attention on the road.

The Rigid Riser

Another harmless type of Bus Beast is the Rigid Riser. On a full bus, these male miscreants rise the moment they see a woman board the bus. Chivalry dictates relinquishing one's seat for the elderly and for others in need, but the Rigid Riser takes chivalry to the extreme and offers his seat to women in far better physical shape who are often offended at the continued insistence of the Riser that they take his seat. In extreme cases, the seat will remain empty during the bus ride since the Riser will not sit back down and his intended damsel-in-distress will continue to stand with the rest of her family.

The Pole Poke

Finally, we have the Pole Poke. If any Bus Beasts can truly be said to have devilish intent, it's the Pole Poke. These horrific monsters select full buses and then stand in the back next to a pole around which they often wrap one arm. As the bus pulls away and the lights go out, the Pole Poke 'accidentally' pokes the person in front of him: most often a female. The poke may come from an arm or a leg, or it may be the heinous full-body poke. The excuse for these intrusions, of course, is the jouncy movement of the bus. When the bus is packed to capacity, the victims of Pole Pokes cannot move forward without the risk of becoming Pole Pokes themselves.

Next Time on Disney Dreadful...

We'll ramp up the danger in hungry pursuit of the Buffett Buffoon!

Don't stop there! More Features Await...